The Church of Me

Above: Me

The Church of Me is a new church founded on the premise that the only valid concept of the universe is that which exists within my own mind. All other beings that allegedly exist do so only within the context of my subjective reality. I call this concept Non-Existentialism.

History

The Church of Me was founded the other day around 10:30. I was doing the dishes when suddenly I had a religious awakening. Quickly I grabbed a pen and a scrap of paper and started writing. This sacred document, now enshrined on my refrigerator, has become the cornerstone of The Church of Me.

The Three Holy Tenets of The Church Of Me

1. The congregation shall consist of every single living thing on the face of this planet that I can be absolutely certain exists. In other words, I am the only member.

2. The congregation shall go forth and witness to nonbelievers, and help them to see the truth: That outside their heads exists a roil of matter and energy, and inside their heads exists a universe of their own making.

3. The Church of Me wholeheartedly supports the doctrine that any religion, no matter how minuscule its membership, no matter how brief its history, shall be exempt from all taxation.

What About You?

Many people — especially those who consider themselves to be existent — feel that Non-Existentialism excludes them, and even brings into question their very existence. And they are right. But what other conclusion can I, or anyone, possibly come to? Because all incoming information about the universe (or whatever it is that may exist outside the confines of my cranium) must filter through MY senses and be processed by MY brain.

This is not to imply that you do not exist. If you are reading this, I'm sure you probably do. Undoubtedly there is a chunk of matter and energy somewhere out there that corresponds to what you, your friends and the general public think of as "you." But even if I see you standing right in front of me, plain as day, and hear your voice telling me how existent you are — even if I reach out and touch you, or feel myself getting pelted with rocks as you hurl them at me shouting "NOW do you believe I exist?" — I can never directly perceive this "you." All I can do is interpret the vibrational patterns that bombard my sensory input devices.

It's a convincing illusion, in glorious 3D, Dolby surround sound and even Smell-a-vision. But in the end the only thing I can ever have any direct knowledge of is my own cognition.

Stare at the center of this circle for 15 seconds,
then look at a white wall and blink your eyes rapidly.

The World's Only Religion?

Christianity. Catholicism. Islam. Judaism. Bagism. They all claim to be the one true religion. (Well, maybe not Bagism). But The Church of Me is NOT the one true religion. It's the ONLY religion. All those other isms are simply the chatter of people outside my head talking about things they've heard other people say, plus visual images I've created in my mind from light waves bouncing off robes and crosses and pointy hats, etc., and hitting my retinas.

"Isn't it all just stuff you say?"
— The Prophet George Costanza

How to Become a Member of the Church

Our congregation

Unfortunately, you cannot join The Church of Me, as our membership quota is currently full. However, you CAN join the Church of YOU! Here's how: Simply send me an email stating that you wish to join The Church of Me (meaning, of course, The Church of You). You will be contacted by someone in our church. Namely, me.

Become an Ordained Minister! When you join The Church of You, you will be not only the founder and only member, you will be the minister as well. Or rabbi or high priestess or whatever the hell you want to call yourself. After all, it's YOUR church!

My Temple