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Meet the Last Man in America To Know Who Won the Election

Nov. 20, 2016

After the mayhem of the election, one man stands as the only person in America—other than those in a coma or a cave—who doesn’t have a clue whether the President-elect is a he or a she.


“It seemed everyone was trapped on a political merry-go-round-run-amuck, having no choice but to stay glued to the returns while gnawing their nails to the quicks. I thought, there must be a better way to live. So I simply stepped off.”


His idea was to treat himself to 24 hours of blissful oblivion before returning to the fracas, but he has discovered a serenity in his self-imposed informational desert that he’s not so sure he wants to walk away from. 


He’s in a good position to maintain the quarantine. He doesn’t live in a cave, but perhaps the next best thing: his studio. Chandler is an artist/writer living in relative seclusion on the Georgia coast. He’s best known by his pseudonym, Pilliard Dickle. 

Wait Wait Don't Tell Me: Pilliard Dickle in protective gear

It’s actually a rather peaceful existence here in my little haven of not knowing—or, as I call it, my Bubble of Ignorance,” he reports. “People keep asking me when I’m going to return to reality. But it’s starting to feel like this IS reality. I stepped out of an unhinged world comprised of eternal bickering and into a serene world comprised of trees and squirrels and pimento cheese sandwiches.”

His daughter is his liaison to the outside world. When he does venture out, he wears headphones and a sign around his neck that says: I Don’t Know Who Won, Please Don’t Tell Me.”


“Being the sole cognizant human being who doesn’t know who the President-elect is has become, in a minuscule way, my own private protest. Not against any one candidate, but against what our political system has devolved into…which I elect, at least for now, to be a part of.”

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